How to do Good Active Parenting

I absolutely loved this week of class. It really helped me to understand my parent's parenting better, and what I can do to be a good parent for my future children. First I want to go over the three different types of parenting. There is authoritarian, permissive and authoritative. Authoritarian is when the parent acts and feels that their word is law. They expect and demand full control over their kids and everything that they do. They expect their kids to listen and obey them with no questions asked and not explaining the kids as to the reason why they have to do something. And i mean something other than the "Because I said so." Permissive parenting is the complete opposite. They want their children to like them and are afraid of making them angry. So even though the kids may be breaking rules, the parents just let it go for fear of contention or hate from their kids. These are both on the extreme side of the scale and no one likes either one in the long run. So the best parenting, is the one that meets in the middle. Authoritative parenting is the best parenting for you and your kids. Authoritarian is also known as "active" parenting. It's where you and your kids meet on a level. Neither has more control than the other. The parents are still very much involved in the kids lives, but not overbearing. The kids also have the freedom that they need to learn and explore, but not enough to get them in trouble.

We need to remember that every child is different, so some active parenting steps will need to be adapted accordingly to each of them individually. We also need to remember that the purpose of parenting is to prepare and protect a child to survive and thrive in the world we live in. Now the first step is to have both parents make sure that they are a team. I know growing up for me, what each parent would or wouldn't be ok with. So I would go to the one that I knew what let me do what I wanted. Now as I'm sure as you can imagine, this did not really help my parents relationship because then it would cause an argument. So both parents need to establish together and back each other up on rules and consequences that will be made. Parenting is a team effort. Not an individual one. You need the skill sets of both parents in order to make things work out with your kids.

Now when it comes to disciplining your kids, that can be difficult. Children tend to rebel because certain needs of theirs aren't being met. Whether that's physical or social contact, including giving them attention, or any other need that we tend to yearn for. Usually when their needs are met, they tend to have less urges to rebel. So keep in mind that their needs matter more than punishment does. Now parenting with a younger child can tend to be easier but still disciplining them almost like your teen, helps in the long run. Have you and your teen sit down and discuss rules and consequences together. Parents should already have discussed with each other what they will and won't be ok with. But also keep in mind that the child knows better than you do, what will and won't work for them. So don't go into the conversation thinking, no matter what you say, we're going with our rules, go in with an open mind. Ask them what they think and feel about rules. Like a curfew. And then discuss a solution that will satisfy both them and you. When the rule has been made, also discuss a consequence if the rule is not met. Remember to keep the consequence logical to the rule. Usually parents tend to resort to grounding, no matter what the action was. This doesn't help the child really learn and understand the necessity of the rule. So for curfew for example, you might say, "If you're not back by your curfew, you won't get to out the next night." Something like that. Just make sure that you both, parents and child, agree on it and that is corresponds with the rule. This will help empower your kids. It will help teach them to make rules for themselves and why they're important and that they're there to help keep them safe. And since you're child will have been involved and helped make the rule, rather than you just make it for them, they're less likely to break it or rebel because they chose it as well for themselves.

Another thing to remember is to also make sure that you encourage your kids, but just not too much. You do need to help them to improve but don't be overbearing. For me, growing up was really hard. I had several family members constantly point out what I was doing wrong. And change takes time. So if I didn't change "right away", they would say that I wasn't listening, give me the whole lecture again, and they would just be upset with me. Even if I improved a little bit and got better, it would still end with the same result. So I gave up. I just sat there and tuned out the lectures because I didn't see the point in it. They said that they were just helping me to become better, but in reality they weren't. I saw no point in even trying because all they saw and pointed out was just the bad, and didn't even bother acknowledging the good or the progress that I made. You can't expect someone to change in seconds, It just doesn't work that way. So when it comes to helping your kids improve, pull them aside and tell them stuff that they're doing great first and then let them know what you're concerned about. Don't say, "This is what you need to fix" and then walk away. Tell them WHY they need to fix it and how it will impact them. And show them that you say it 'cause you care. If you do, they're more likely to try. And as they try, encourage them. Congratulate them for trying and/or improving. This will help them to want to keep at it and that they will get their eventually. That would've helped me out a lot growing up. Don't focus on their mistakes or weaknesses. Make sure that you praise them. It shows that you love and care about THEM and not just looking good. It also establishes trust and respect between the both of you.

Some videos that I watched and highly recommend you get and watch from activeparenting.com are:
Session 1: The Active Parent
Session 2: Winning Cooperation
Session 3: Responsibility and Discipline
Session 4: Building Courage, Redirecting Misbehavior

Importance of Father Interactions

We talked about fathers and finances but I really want to focus on fathers. I feel like we don't give fathers enough credit or really pay attention to the effect that they have. I feel that the father, a most of the time, considered separate from the family. He goes to work everyday and is gone for most of the day. He comes home tired and is entering into a completely different world than the one he left. Fathers also usually don't know much about what's going on or what has happened in his absence. For many fathers, this makes them disconnected and not much of a part of the family. I found this to be pretty true, from the example of my dad. I found out, not through him but a reliable source, that my dad felt like we hated him. Which is far from the truth. I love my dad and I am very close to him. He has been my rock and support through a lot of really hard times in my life. I can always count on him. But to him, it's a lot harder. I've come to realize that he feels the way he does, because he's not home very much. He's usually gone for most of the week at work. So he doesn't experience anything with when we are at home. He doesn't know anything that has occurred unless it was a major occurrence and he needed to know. This creates a disconnect between him and us. He doesn't know what's going on in our lives unless we go out of our way to tell him. He's not able to really be there for us because he's having to spend most of his time at work. We don't many opportunities where we're able to bond with him and create a connection.

In their article, "Family Work" Katherine Bahr and Cheri Loveless talk about how that's not how things used to be. Before, fathers and their families worked side by side out in the fields. This created time for fathers to be able to talk about things and bond with their kids. Chores around the house and farm were positive and crucial for family bonding. No one complained about their chores. Instead, they were excited for them because they did them together. This helped make the chores fun, but also provided that family bonding time. They were able to talk to one another and be more involved. Nowadays, it's so much easier for us or anyone, especially parents, to just do chores themselves. Or have the kids do it. By doing it themselves, it gets done faster and it's done the way you want it to be done. Rather than having to try to teach someone to do and having to constantly give corrections on how to do it right. This robs both parents and children of that crucial bonding time. I remember growing up and wanting to help my mom cook in the kitchen or help my dad with the yard work or work on the cars, but not being able to. For them, it was easier to just do it and not have to worry about little me getting in the way or messing up (which I ended up doing a lot). But I remember feeling disappointed because I wanted to help and feel like I mattered and could do something. I wanted a reason to spend more time with my parents and to be with them. But I had far less opportunities to do so with my dad than my mom. This was hard on me as I loved my dad but he felt out of my reach a lot of times and that I wasn't able to be as close to him as I wanted. That had a huge impact on me, mt self-esteem, and having that firm foundation part of my life. So if your kids want to help you with cooking or anything, let them! You;ll regret later on and it will help you to bond with them and help them to feel that they can trust you and be more open with you. Don't waste those precious moments and let them go by.

Good and Effective Communication is Key

Communicating effectively with your spouse, or with anyone, can be really difficult. Many and most times, communication results in contention and arguments. When someone brings up something that we do that they don't like, naturally we get very upset and defensive. We feel like we are being attacked and that we need to attack back. It's basically the formula of pain+blame=defensive. It's not very effective and it usually results in rifts being made and walls going up. How you communicate determines how your relationship will eventually be and whether or not there will be a lot of miscommunication in the future. When you are interacting with someone, you are creating that social culture with them. So how you establish that culture and that way of communication is critical.

There are quite a few steps and tactics that you can do to help make and build good communication skills. One of the vital ways to communicate is through your tone. Words are just words, but the meaning and definition of the words you use completely change depending on the tone that you use. You also need to be aware of the nonverbal cues that you give off and that the other person is giving. These are also key to see the intention of the message being given. Also, remember that not everything that pops into your head needs to be shared. It's best to ask for clarification rather than just assume that you know what they are saying. This will help eliminate any miscommunication. It's also best to discuss what needs to be talked about and not talk about or bring up anything that is unnecessary. Be open and open-minded and have trust. Also talk about anything that could potentially turn into a problem before it does. Doing this early on will make life between you and anyone else a lot better.

How to Handle a Crisis In a Family

Have you ever wondered how to handle or deal with a crisis that happened in your family or might potentially happen? I have. There is one woman, Cloe Madanes, who wrote "Sex, Love, and Violence." In her book, she creates a model to help solve the problems that are brought to therapy. I want to talk about just some of her steps from her book that can help you cope or know what to do. Though I know that this book was mainly to help the crisis of sexual abuse, I feel that the steps that I share today, can be used for almost any situation.

The first step is: Find out what happened. It's very important that everyone shares their perspective and take on the situation that occurred. One important thing to remember and do during this step, is to just listen. Many times when someone is sharing their perspective, we get angry because that's not how we viewed it. So many times we get upset and say that they are wrong or lying when in reality, their not. They're just sharing what they saw, how they saw it, and how it impacted them. So remember to just listen with open ears and mind. Having everyone share their perspective on what happened, helps give everyone an even greater part of the full picture instead of just the small piece that you originally had.

Talk about the spiritual pain that each individual went through. Going through any kind of crisis usually causes great spiritual, or soul, pain for any individual. Doing this helps everyone see just how each other was impacted and how to be able to help each other through it. 

The "perpetrator" gets on their knees and apologizes. When they are on their knees, it helps them to humble themselves and really see that they have done a wrong and admit to the hurt that they have caused. BUT, they do not get up from off of their knees until everyone in the room feels that their apology is sincere and genuine. The perpetrator is also in no position to ask for or demand forgiveness. 

The other people in the room need to apologize as well. By doing this, you are breaking down walls that were once there and adding to the conflict and hurt. By apologizing, those walls come down and you're able to actually start the process of healing both within yourself and with those around you. 

Remember that evil is always stupid. Don't try to make sense of nonsense. When you have done something evil, no good EVER comes out of it!! So don't try to justify or make sense of the wrong that you have done.

The wedding, honeymoon, and starting a marriage

I've learned such great insights this week on the best way to start a marriage. One big thing is the wedding. It is really important that you plan the wedding together as a couple. Most woman when planning their weddings, plan it with their mom. Though this isn't a terrible idea, it's just not the best. Mothers of course want to be involved and help, but it's more important that the couple plans the wedding together. Most men will say, "Do whatever you want." But men you play an important role in planning it as well. By planning the wedding together, you strengthen your bond with one another. Rather than the woman just strengthening her bond with just her mom. While planning the wedding together, you also learn to make compromises and decisions together and those lessons will help you in your marriage. It's best to help you learn those strategies early on.

The honeymoon is also important. The honeymoon isn't a time to just have fun and have the whole leaving and coming home scene. Honeymoons are a critical time for a couple to bond with one another. To continue to strengthen their relationship and come to have a better understanding of each other. When they come back from their honeymoon, they should be as one. A bonded couple and you are distinguished together as a couple.

Now starting off a marriage can be difficult. Shortly after the wedding, many couple start to have arguments and disagreements. Usually these couples end up coming to feel like they made a mistake in marrying their spouse. That they actually aren't compatible. But in reality you are or can be. All marriages are work. No one can have those Disney "And they lived happily ever after" without work. You are two very different people who have now come together as one. But unlike your family, you didn't grow up with your spouse. So just like you did with your family members, you need to learn to adapt and change. Neither of you are the one has the problem that is causing strain on the marriage. You just need to learn to work it out. In order to have a healthy marriage, you need to talk things out with each other. Keeping in consideration how the other person feels, tell your spouse what is bothering you. Don't fight, argue, or raise your voices. Especially when you feel threatened or they said something that might upset you. keep your voices low and have an open mind. Telling your concerns will help strengthen your marriage rather than tear apart. Not telling is a lot more damaging. More often than not, your spouse doesn't even realize that they're doing something that's bothering you. When I lived with my family in my teen years and when I was on my mission, I would find out after months that I was doing something that was bugging them. With one of my mission companions, we both held the negative feelings we were holding inside until we both blew from the pressure. We talked it out and it turned out fine in the end, but that could've been avoided had we talked about them sooner. Another example is when I had one family member come up to me about something that had bothered them for months. My only question to them was "Why didn't you tell me sooner?" I felt bad for making them upset and I didn't want to be causing any stress. I just wished that they had told me sooner so I could've stopped sooner or worked it out with them before causing such a tear on our relationship. Marriage will never be easy, but it'll be worth it.

What is the difference between hanging out and dating?

Lately in this generation and day there hasn't been very much dating as much as there has been "hanging out". Many people fear the concept of dating, or at least the term. It's not what it once used to mean. Many people feel like hanging out is the best way to go about courting someone. They feel like they, or the people they are interested in, will feel more comfortable in those kinds of environments. Though there are many people who do not feel that that is the case for them. For those people they feel like they still have to put o a mask. Like they still are having to compete or look good to those in the group that they're in. They don't feel like they can be open and it's difficult to get to know the other person when you're in a group. Hanging out is a time when you can have fun and build on your bond with your friends. Just not if you are wanting to court someone. When you just hang out, it can be hard for the other person to know whether or not it is or date or if you're even interested.
When you are dating someone, or taking them on dates, there is no confusion or question on either side on whether or not it is a date. In fact there are three P's that help outline what is considered dating: paid for, planned, and paired off. Now paid for doesn't necessarily mean with money. It can be also meaning with time or resources. Dates can still be fun but not cost anything. Planned means that it was planned in advance. Hanging out is usually spontaneous. Paired off is what it means. Where you and your date are for the most part alone and not being with a crowd of friends. Now I don't alone as in being at an apartment or something alone. Just somewhere where the two of you are able to talk and speak freely with one another and actually have that time to get to know one another. Dating is much more effective and personal than with hanging out. It's the best way to get to know someone and if you two would be compatible for marriage, if you two decided to take that step. Dating is not something to be taken lightly because the end result of dating, marriage, changes you and your life for the rest of your life. So take it seriously. It's worth doing.

Understanding People with Same-sex Attraction

This week was very interesting and informative. The biggest thing that we talked about was same-sex attraction. Now I am not saying any of this to put them down or belittle them, but just help create a better and greater understanding. We watched a video: "Understanding Same-Sex Attraction"  and this is a documentary video that also has those who were once homosexual and their interviews. It also shows how they're not "born that way" but that they had something happen that created those feelings for the same gender. Research that has been done shows that a lot of it has to do with what has happened to them in their childhood or because they lacked something in their childhood. For example, in the video, it showed that a large percentage become gay when they were sexually molested as a child. Now I know that there are probably some that would say, "Well I wasn't so I was born with it." In the video for one of the interviews there was a man who had been molested when he was two, but he didn't remember it. His sister told him it happened. But the experience at the time of course was so traumatizing for him at that age that it still created huge impact on his mentality. Now this obviously doesn't happen in every case, but a lot of the time it does. Now for those who weren't molested, a lot of times had the lack of male relationships and models in their life. Say that a boy who seems feminine but isn't gay, he gets along with and makes friends quickly with the girls. This can make the other boys upset and jealous because all of the girls talk to and like him. So they make fun of him and leave him out. This a lot of times creates a yearning for the boy to be liked and accepted by the other boys. Since they can so easily make friends with girls and they can talk to them no problem, the boys are what become desirable to them. This can be difficult for a lot of gays, especially if they don't want to be that way. And I'm sure it's reassuring to them for them to know that they're not born that way,  Homosexuality: What Science Can and Cannot Say, and that they can change. In the video, it show the account and experiences of some men who once had homosexual feelings, but through therapy and help, were able to overcome those and become straight. All of them tell and say about how they are so much happier now.

Something else that we talked about this week, that I thought was pretty important, was gender equality. The different genders are constantly trying to say who has what role or if there even should be any roles. That by having roles creates inequality, when in reality, it does the opposite. My grandparents have what they call "pink" and "blue" jobs. This signifies and lays out who does what part around the house. I have never ever heard either of my grandparents give a single complaint about the chores or roles they have. They created a system where the work is distributed evenly and by ability. They have used their gender differences to create an equal and functional ground in the home. There are also some issues where women get mad that men don't want women to do things or say that they can't, when those women feel that they can do just as well. And a lot of the time, it's not because they think that woman can't, it because they enjoy doing it and they enjoying helping. For example, on my mission, every time I was carrying something heavy, an Elder would ask if I would like help. I would give the typical woman answer of saying, "No. I got it." And there were times I would catch disappointment on their faces. While I was on my mission, I heard a lot of the phrase, "chivalry is dead". I thought back to those experiences and realized, its dead, because women killed it because they wanted "equality". So I decided that every time the Elders offered help, even though I didn't need it, I would take them up on it. It made a huge difference. When I first started doing it, I could tell that when the Elders asked, they expected me to say no. So I'm sure you can imagine some of their surprised expressions when I actually said yes. Then they got happy!! I noticed that as I kept doing that, the happier they got and the more I got asked if they could help. Even the amount of Elders who asked went up. Even if it was something so small as carrying a medium sized box that wasn't heavy at all, they asked to help. They find joy in being able to help us and that they can actually make a difference or still be of use. It has nothing to do if they think we're weak or not. As time went on, my friendship with these missionaries improved. This same principle can work for anyone or couple. It can help strengthen relationships as a bond is made. We all have different strengths and abilities that can help enhance society and the home. So shouldn't we work on making those differences equal and become strengths, rather than trying to use them to create inequality and contention?

Class and Family Cultures Play A Huge Role

It's amazing at how impactful social class status and individual family cultures play in our families and to us as individuals. How we're raised, and the environment that we're raised in, very much affects us and how we think, function, and raise our families. We had to watch a video for our class this week and it was really eye opening. It was about a woman named Tammy and her family. (You can go here to watch the video: Tammy's Story) Tammy is a single mom raising her kids. She never went to college and is in the low class. She works at Burger King everyday and walks 10 miles everyday to get there. Her oldest son is embarrassed with the life that he has. He wants to go to college and get up to middle class and actually do something with his life. Well in the second video of Tammy's story, she's still working at Burger King and her son's plans don't work out. He actually dropped out of high school with 6 months left and is basically still in the same life style that he grew up in and wanted to get out of. And one of the reasons he wasn't able to was because he didn't know how. Growing up, how he lived was all he knew. He didn't know how to make the short term goals that would help him accomplish the long term goals.

This also affects those who are in middle and upper class as well. For upper class lets say that someone owns a family business and wants their son to carry on the business but the son doesn't really want to. Like in Horton Hears A Who. Our class definitely plays a huge role in a family function.

Now for family cultures. These vary and change from family to family. What usually makes them change is from what happened in someone's family while growing up. So lets say that someone grew up in a family where they had to do a lot of chores and they absolutely hated it. So they decide that their kids will never have to do chores. Now you can say, "Well that's their choice if that's what they want to do." That is true. It's their home and their family. But it does also greatly impact their kids. Their kids won't know how to do a lot of basic things that they'll need to know when they go to live off on their own. And that will carry onto their kids and so on. So family cultures greatly affect each individual differently and depending on how they take that, will either keep or change those and then change how their family culture functions.

Family Interaction In the Home

We had a really good discussion this week about the different types of interactions and how they affect families within the home. The one that I thought was most interesting, and found to be the most true, was the symbolic interaction.

Symbolic interaction is the most easily misunderstand type of interaction. It involves the objects, words, gestures, and actions that we use when we are interacting with other people. The reason it is so easily misunderstood is because everyone interrupts things very differently. Or they see it differently. For example: Say that my sister's room is just super messy and she's gone all of the time working. She comes home really tired and goes straight to bed. She doesn't have any free time and is always stressed. Sometimes she's not able to find anything in her room. So I decide to help her one day when I have some free time on my hands. While she is away, I clean up her room for her. It takes me awhile but I finally get it done and I wait excitedly for her to get home. When she does get home, she goes to  her room and gets upset. She's upset because she feels like someone cleaning her room shows that she's incapable and unable to do anything on her own. She may also feel that someone did it jsut because it wasn't the way that they liked it and she feels that it was an invasion of her space. Though that is not why I did it or how I meant it, that may be the way she might take it.

So it's very important that we have an understanding of each other and the way that each individual communicates. Many times, it's because of this understanding that can cause a lot of contention in the home. As a family interacts with each other more and continues to create a stronger bond, contention and misunderstanding will decrease. This will also help create more love and charity within the home. Family interaction is the most important interaction that anyone will have. The interaction that we have within our homes, is the same kind of interaction that we take with us when we interact with people outside our homes. It was a really interesting concept that I never really thought of before. It also helped explain so much of what has happened in my family.

Societal Trends, the Family, and Depopulation

This week has been a very informative and interesting week. Especially in my Family Relations class. Our topic of study and discussion was on the The New Economic Reality: Demographic Winter, Part 1 and The New Economic Reality: Demographic Winter, Part 2. Now I'm sure you're probably wondering what this has to do with the title that I had posted. The Demographics show how today's societal trends are affecting the family and causing the US, also  the world, to go into depopulation. Now many people would say, "Well isn't that a good thing? We're over populating." But actually it's not a good thing. 

The societal trends that are affecting the population growth are cohabitation, individualism, and having small families. With cohabitation, there's no reproduction. How I see it, it's basically a friend with benefits. There are no strings attached and you can just leave if you don't like them anymore. With this way of living, children aren't really being born. And if they are, they're not being born into a stable home or a home that has the learning benefits of married parents. 
With individualism, there's mainly just me and never we. People tend to put their career and their life first. When they have a great career and everything going, they don't want to give it up to have a family. This only helps the difficulty of children being born and helping repopulate. Many of these people might say, "Well I won't need to worry about it because other people will have kids." This is true but also not. Other people will have kids yes, but them doing it alone will not help sustain the population. In order for us to be able to maintain the population, women need to have a birth rate a 2.13. This is crucial in order for us to not start depopulating. 
Also, having small families can aid to depopulation. Having only one or two kids, doesn't help us to reach the needed birth rate. Also, it's better for children to have siblings than to be alone. Children who are the only child can be fine, but by having siblings, they tend to fare better. They learn crucial social skills and other skills that help them to be able to work with other people. They also help provide a much needed support base.

Now to the depopulation. Why isn't it a good thing. Well in the demographic videos, they help us to know why. Many people worry that we're overpopulating and that we don't have enough space for everyone. Our teacher told us that if everyone lived on one acre, the entire worldwide population could all fit in Texas. So we're actually not overpopulating. It just seems like that because of the largely, heavily populated areas like Los Angeles, San Francisco, New York, etc. Many people also worry that by having so many people on the earth, we'll run out of resources to be able to support everyone. In reality, we are actually making and producing more food than we have before. The reason for this is because of technology, as well as the fact that by having more people on the earth, we have more people growing produce. Also, in the demographics videos, they talk about the amount of people supporting those who are retired. Right now we have an average of three people supporting every one retired person. Once we start depopulating, it'll go from three to two people supporting every one retired person. This means that those people will have to work even harder to be able to also support themselves.

Here is the spiritual side that I'd like to put on it. With the words of the prophets, we know that we need to have as many as we can, as well as, as many as the Lord intends for us to have. We need to help spirits come into homes and families where they will be able to hear the Gospel and receive the blessings from it. For example, for me, I'm grateful that my parents had me as soon as they did, otherwise, I wouldn't be me. Or I might be somewhere else. My parents weren't sure as to how many kids they were going to have exactly, but through prayer they knew that they were going to have sonS and daughterS. So they knew they would have at least 4. Four of us girls came out and then the two boys. So the Lord will make everything work out so that way you have as many as you can handle and take care of, as well as how many He needs you to be able to have to grow His kingdom.

Now my hope from this post is that everyone as human beings and co citizens on this earth, will be able to realize just how big of a role they play. Even if you may not be religious, I hope that you can at least take something from this post and just see how everyone's actions affect everyone.

Here's the Start!

I'm finally at the start of my journey!! I'm picking up where I left off of my Freshman year of college and starting on my journey of really learning and knowing more about the importance of marriage and families and exactly what they are.

From this blog, I hope and plan to share what I have come to learn and understand that others may be enlightened as well. I also hope to be able to be a voice for those who are afraid to share what they believe and that they can have the assurance that someone else shares their beliefs and they don't have to be ashamed of them.

So, here we go!