Dreams

I loved what I read and learned in Gottman's (2015) book this week! He talked about how a lot of disagreements couples have, are actually because of unacknowledged or unexpressed dreams. He gave an example of a couple with different opinions about a kept house. The wife preferred the house tidy because growing up, her childhood was chaos. The house was a mess, she had no clean clothes to wear and her parents would often forget to pick her up from school. So to her a tidy home is a place where her kids can feel secure and at peace. For the husband, his mother always kept an extremely tidy home and was worried about appearances. She would constantly nag him to keep it clean. So to him, a messy home is a home of freedom and not nagging. There is usually a dream, no matter how big or small, behind an action of a spouse. So Gottman encouraged spouses to have those discussions. He said that it may not fully resolve the problem, but at least there would be a greater understanding.

This concept just BLEW my mind! I started to think about my own marriage and where this might be the case in my own marriage. Keeping a clean place is also one for my husband and I. I like to keep a clean apartment because growing up, my life was basically completely controlled. I was even told how to feel and think. If I thought or felt differently, I was reprimanded and told how I was "actually" feeling. So to me a clean home is something that I actually get to control. And I want an environment that is clean and safe for my kids where they can be free to be themselves and feel security. For my husband, he and his family only cleaned up the house once a week. They spent the rest of the time with each other. So for him, a messy house, is a home where the family cares more about each other than appearances. I'm going to continue to use this technique when my husband and I aren't seeing eye to eye on something so that we can gain a better perspective of where we're coming from.