Marriage Love Map

I really learned a lot in Gottman's (2015) book about the love map. It really is so important that we are continually working on our love map of our spouse. Our love map is everything about our spouse. Their likes, dislikes, goals, ambitions, etc. Gottman poses really great questions for us to ask our spouse. Such as asking about important parts of their past, and what is going on in their present. Their likes and dislikes. As well as open ended questions about how they feel with different aspects of the future. This really helps you to continue to get to know your spouse. Not everything about your spouse stays the same. A lot of it changes over time, so it's important that you keep up with those changes so that you can better help meet your spouses needs. Especially during big changes in family dynamics such as having children or even moving. This was very evident in my own marriage. My husband and I have had a happy marriage and we would go on dates regularly. Then our son came. The first couple of months was really hard. I was trying not to, as Gottman (2015) said, leave my husband behind. I struggled to figure out how to balance taking care of my son and husband and fulfilling both of their needs. My husband and I also almost never go on dates. So our marriage really struggled for a little bit until we got talked it out and relearned each other and our needs. I was also able to finally find the balance between the two men in my life so that everyone was happy. But making sure that my husband and I really knew each other, really helped.

We Need Humility

In James 1:5 I learned that we must be humble if we want to receive any answers from the Lord about questions that we might have. If we feel like we already know the answer and are just asking just because, or are prideful in any other way, then we won’t be able to receive answers. What’s the point of the Lord answering our questions, if we don’t listen to what He has to say or just ignore anything that He says? We must have an open heart and mind to be able to receive the blessings of the richness of the gospel and the insights that He has to share. We must make ourselves willing and spiritually hungry to be open up enough for Him to even be able to talk to us and enlighten our minds and our understanding. Pride really just gets in our way and stunts our growth in just about every way possible.

The Four Horsemen in Marriage

This weeks reading in my marriage class was really interesting to me. I could actually relate to some of it. I found Gottman’s (2015) Four Horsemen – criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling - especially intriguing and helpful. My husband and I go through the Four Horsemen on occasion. It happens only about once in a blue moon when we’ve been pent-up about something but it does happen. My husband and I will end up going through the four stages where in the end we’re both stonewalling. For different reasons though. He does it because he wants to end a conversation that he feels is going nowhere and doesn’t want to fight. I stonewall because I am afraid of making him upset and I feel like there’s no point in continuing since he doesn’t seem to understand how I’m feeling. However, we made a promise that we would never go to bed angry with each other. So we manage to peacefully talk it out right before we go to sleep. We’re usually always laughing by the end of it. Doing that has really helped our relationship. Doing what Gottman said and not letting the Four Horsemen permanently stay. 

In Goddard’s (2007) book, I really like how he used the story of the Good Samaritan and how it so easily can be applied to marriages. As the Good Samaritan, we need to be prepared for and seek opportunities that become available to us to serve our spouse. When we have the same mindset as the Samaritan, then we are less likely to focus on the negative aspects of marriage. We look for those opportunities to help strengthen our marriage and focus on the positive aspects. By focusing on the positive aspects, it helps us prevent from focusing on the few negative things and from dwelling on them that in turn, ends up destroying the marriage. If we truly love our spouse, then we will do whatever it takes to make sure that we don’t lose that person.

Don't Listen To Society!

I learned something pretty awesome in New Testament this week. I was reading in 2 Timothy 2:4 and this is what I got out of it: If we are truly a soldier of Jesus Christ, then we do not involve ourselves in the misbehaving’s and dealing of society. Society is so cruel! Why would we want to be a part of it? If you don't dress, act, or look a certain way, you're looked down on. Society tries to mold us how THEY want to see us. And it's so unrealistic!! By the time you "catch up", their trends have already changed and you're back to square one and seen as outdated. How is that fair?! The answer, it isn't. We were already made to be and look beautiful. There's a reason we were made the way that we were made.

As a disciple and soldier of Jesus Christ, it's up to us to show and help people realize that there is a better way to be happy. Trying to follow society is never going make you happy. Society is never satisfied. However, the Lord has promised that as we do His will and help others come unto Him, we can be happy! As we follow in His footsteps, we find that life becomes easier and what the world has to say and offer starts to mean nothing. Don't you wish to be happy all of the time instead of just part of the time? I do! And we can find that in the gospel of Jesus Christ.

I'm not going to lie, it isn't easy to not listen to society and try to follow suit. I had been harassed, and bullied for THIRTEEN years for not doing my hair and make right or for wearing "ugly" clothing. I was even bullied by immediate family members and people at church too. It wasn't easy. And I still carried a lot of those effects around with me. Until this week. I finally said, "Screw society!" And I believed it for the first time. I have decided that I am beautiful. All of God's creations are beautiful. We just need to see that in ourselves, and then reach out and help others to do the same. As we share more love and have more self-confidence, we can be a disciple of Christ and slowly change the world. We can help create more acceptance and love and work on getting rid of hate and envy. However, it all starts with us. I have more self-confidence then I've had my entire life, and I'm finally starting to actually be happy.

The Wolves of Marriage

This week in Elder Hafen's (1996) talk, he talked about the wolves that like to devour and destroy marriages. The first wolf that he talked about was natural adversity. There are things that happen in our lives that our completely out of our control. Such as the difficulty for some couples to be able to have kids. Some couples can't have kids at all. Or even the adversity of the husband or wife losing their job. These difficulties can only destroy a marriage if you let them. Our adversities don't define our marriage. Our responses to them however, do. During times of adversity are the times that we need to turn to and count on one another the most. Never blaming the other as that will only make it worse. Coming above those adversities helps make us and our marriage stronger. 

The second wolf is the wolf of our own imperfections. This is one that I also struggle with myself. I constantly see and point out my flaws and criticize myself for them. It drives my husband crazy that I do this. He never dwells on my imperfections. Just as I never dwell or point out his. We don't let it destroy our marriage, however, we let it destroy ourselves. We get depressed and constantly berate ourselves for our imperfections. We then turn to the other for love and encouragement. We lift each other up and we make it so that this even helps strengthen our marriage rather than destroys it. We don't let these moments weaken our marriage. 

The final wolf that he talked about was excessive individualism. This is very prominent, especially in today's society. My parents raised me to be completely independent. If I was dependent in any way, I got scolded. When my husband and I were engaged, we were visiting my parents. My husband loves to help me so I would let him help me with even the smallest of things. Even like getting up. My mother then pulled me aside and scolded me for being so ridiculously dependent. However, my husband hated the fact that I was so independent. He wanted to be able to help me and most of the time I wouldn't let him. Mainly because I didn't want anymore ridicule from my mother. This put a strain on our marriage. We finally talked it out and decided that it was best for me to not worry about my mother and let him help. So I do and our marriage has gotten a lot better. I can still do everything on my own but it makes my husband happy. We can't expect our marriage to strengthen, if we don't give our spouse the opportunity to serve us.

Be Rid of the Inner Man

In Romans this week, I learned about how much God hates the inner man withing ourselves. Don't get me wrong, Heavenly Father absolutely loves us as His children. He does anything and everything for us that He possibly can. He will always love us no matter what we do. However, He hates the inner man within us. The inner man is selfish and carnal. Seeking to please men more than God. The one that also loves the things of the world and man more than Him. He even hates it when we put others before Him. That we would bend over backward to please our fellow men but not Him. Such as following high end fashion trends and following cliques and crowds. When all we want to do is look good in the eyes of men. Even with being the pleaser of men, we still are also cruel to many of our fellow men. We belittle and hurt in an attempt to help ourselves feel better and look good to others. We must overcome this inner person within us. If we don’t, then we can’t become true disciples of Jesus Christ. A true disciple of Christ would never be so selfish and harmful to our fellow men. Those that do follow Christ, would do anything to be like Him and to love our neighbors no matter who they are. We either serve Christ or the demon in us. However, it’s so much better to be loved by God than by men. Men can make their love conditional whereas Heavenly Father loves us no matter our flaws. He is our Father, and we should give Him our all. 

Legalizing Same-Sex Marriage

This week we went over and discussed the legalizing of same-sex marriage. We read over the document on the Supreme Court in Obergefell v. Hodges. In this article, we see that same-sex was legalized based off of opinion. I had one classmate talk about how she felt that the Supreme Court had overstepped their bounds. They were basically having all of the states change their policy to legalize gay marriage even if that state voted against it. There were states that legalized it beforehand and there were states that weren't ok with it. Because of that they were forced to allow and accept it even though it was against people's votes. Marriage for thousand of years has been has been defined by man and woman. Ever since the beginning of the earth, that is how God intended for marriage to be. All throughout time, we have known that same sex attraction was not intended by God. But now, society has become very lenient on it. Changing the definition of marriage can be seen as a threat not onIy to marriage but to families as well. Children are affected by not having the opposite gender parents.  

One difficulty with society today is that if you don't agree with them or follow the trend, then you are essentially an awful person. You are denying people their rights or it's also just because you're thinking differently then how they are or how they want you to. Being able to stand up for your thoughts and beliefs can be very difficult. However, it's important that we stick up for what we believe. There are many benefits to have opposite gender marriage. Children especially should be the focal point. There have been countless studies showing that children with opposite genders thrive more. The advantage of having opposite gender is that you get two very different viewpoints. Men and women think and react very differently. By having both of those, really helps a child be able to learn and understand differing perspectives and way of doing things. 

Something that I liked from Obergefell v. Hodges (2015)  was, "There are untold references to the beauty of marriage in religious and philosophical texts spanning time, cultures, and faiths, as well as in art and literature in all their forms. It is fair and necessary to say these references were based on the understanding that marriage is a union between two persons of the opposite sex." What I loved about this is the fact that it basically indicated that opposite-gender marriage is part of the beauty of marriage. There are just different aspects of this type of marriage that just can't be replicated by any other type of marriage. 

My husband and I have seen the many different types of blessings in our marriage. Because we are different, we both bring things to the table that complement one another. For example, with our son. My husband is one of the youngest in his family so he isn't used to a constantly crying child. The mother nature in me has helped me to be patient with our son and show him the love that he needs. With the fact that I am able to calm our son down, my husband can then come in and help me entertain him and give him the love that he needs. My husband just doesn't have that inner nurturing that a mother does. So it's been great that we are able to give our son both of what he needs.  

Forgive

This week I read 2 Corin 2:7 which says, "So that contrariwise ye ought rather to forgive him, and comfort him, lest perhaps such a one should be swallowed up with overmuch sorrow."

What I learned from this was that if we don’t forgive and comfort others, then both us and them will be swallowed up in sorrow. If we do not forgive others, then we fester anger, hurt, and sometimes pride. Having such negative emotions constantly bottled up inside of us can make us depressed and upset. We won’t be able to move on and be able to be happy in our lives. We just hold ourselves back rather than let ourselves move forward. You can't blame the other person for the negative feelings that your feeling because you are choosing those feelings. You are harboring them. Harboring those feelings only hurts you. Is doesn't do the other person any harm. I once heard an analogy that says, "It's like drinking poison and waiting for your enemy to die". So for our own sakes, we have to let it go. 

It’s also so important that we forgive others for their sake as well. There are a lot of people who feel guilty for what they did and want to make right what they have done if they can. However, if you won’t forgive them and let them make it right, then they will be harrowed up in their guilt and they also will not be able to move forward. Think if you were in their shoes and you had done something to hurt someone. You felt bad and want to make it up to them and would want forgiveness. So shouldn't we all give to others what we also seek for?