Good and Effective Communication is Key

Communicating effectively with your spouse, or with anyone, can be really difficult. Many and most times, communication results in contention and arguments. When someone brings up something that we do that they don't like, naturally we get very upset and defensive. We feel like we are being attacked and that we need to attack back. It's basically the formula of pain+blame=defensive. It's not very effective and it usually results in rifts being made and walls going up. How you communicate determines how your relationship will eventually be and whether or not there will be a lot of miscommunication in the future. When you are interacting with someone, you are creating that social culture with them. So how you establish that culture and that way of communication is critical.

There are quite a few steps and tactics that you can do to help make and build good communication skills. One of the vital ways to communicate is through your tone. Words are just words, but the meaning and definition of the words you use completely change depending on the tone that you use. You also need to be aware of the nonverbal cues that you give off and that the other person is giving. These are also key to see the intention of the message being given. Also, remember that not everything that pops into your head needs to be shared. It's best to ask for clarification rather than just assume that you know what they are saying. This will help eliminate any miscommunication. It's also best to discuss what needs to be talked about and not talk about or bring up anything that is unnecessary. Be open and open-minded and have trust. Also talk about anything that could potentially turn into a problem before it does. Doing this early on will make life between you and anyone else a lot better.

How to Handle a Crisis In a Family

Have you ever wondered how to handle or deal with a crisis that happened in your family or might potentially happen? I have. There is one woman, Cloe Madanes, who wrote "Sex, Love, and Violence." In her book, she creates a model to help solve the problems that are brought to therapy. I want to talk about just some of her steps from her book that can help you cope or know what to do. Though I know that this book was mainly to help the crisis of sexual abuse, I feel that the steps that I share today, can be used for almost any situation.

The first step is: Find out what happened. It's very important that everyone shares their perspective and take on the situation that occurred. One important thing to remember and do during this step, is to just listen. Many times when someone is sharing their perspective, we get angry because that's not how we viewed it. So many times we get upset and say that they are wrong or lying when in reality, their not. They're just sharing what they saw, how they saw it, and how it impacted them. So remember to just listen with open ears and mind. Having everyone share their perspective on what happened, helps give everyone an even greater part of the full picture instead of just the small piece that you originally had.

Talk about the spiritual pain that each individual went through. Going through any kind of crisis usually causes great spiritual, or soul, pain for any individual. Doing this helps everyone see just how each other was impacted and how to be able to help each other through it. 

The "perpetrator" gets on their knees and apologizes. When they are on their knees, it helps them to humble themselves and really see that they have done a wrong and admit to the hurt that they have caused. BUT, they do not get up from off of their knees until everyone in the room feels that their apology is sincere and genuine. The perpetrator is also in no position to ask for or demand forgiveness. 

The other people in the room need to apologize as well. By doing this, you are breaking down walls that were once there and adding to the conflict and hurt. By apologizing, those walls come down and you're able to actually start the process of healing both within yourself and with those around you. 

Remember that evil is always stupid. Don't try to make sense of nonsense. When you have done something evil, no good EVER comes out of it!! So don't try to justify or make sense of the wrong that you have done.

The wedding, honeymoon, and starting a marriage

I've learned such great insights this week on the best way to start a marriage. One big thing is the wedding. It is really important that you plan the wedding together as a couple. Most woman when planning their weddings, plan it with their mom. Though this isn't a terrible idea, it's just not the best. Mothers of course want to be involved and help, but it's more important that the couple plans the wedding together. Most men will say, "Do whatever you want." But men you play an important role in planning it as well. By planning the wedding together, you strengthen your bond with one another. Rather than the woman just strengthening her bond with just her mom. While planning the wedding together, you also learn to make compromises and decisions together and those lessons will help you in your marriage. It's best to help you learn those strategies early on.

The honeymoon is also important. The honeymoon isn't a time to just have fun and have the whole leaving and coming home scene. Honeymoons are a critical time for a couple to bond with one another. To continue to strengthen their relationship and come to have a better understanding of each other. When they come back from their honeymoon, they should be as one. A bonded couple and you are distinguished together as a couple.

Now starting off a marriage can be difficult. Shortly after the wedding, many couple start to have arguments and disagreements. Usually these couples end up coming to feel like they made a mistake in marrying their spouse. That they actually aren't compatible. But in reality you are or can be. All marriages are work. No one can have those Disney "And they lived happily ever after" without work. You are two very different people who have now come together as one. But unlike your family, you didn't grow up with your spouse. So just like you did with your family members, you need to learn to adapt and change. Neither of you are the one has the problem that is causing strain on the marriage. You just need to learn to work it out. In order to have a healthy marriage, you need to talk things out with each other. Keeping in consideration how the other person feels, tell your spouse what is bothering you. Don't fight, argue, or raise your voices. Especially when you feel threatened or they said something that might upset you. keep your voices low and have an open mind. Telling your concerns will help strengthen your marriage rather than tear apart. Not telling is a lot more damaging. More often than not, your spouse doesn't even realize that they're doing something that's bothering you. When I lived with my family in my teen years and when I was on my mission, I would find out after months that I was doing something that was bugging them. With one of my mission companions, we both held the negative feelings we were holding inside until we both blew from the pressure. We talked it out and it turned out fine in the end, but that could've been avoided had we talked about them sooner. Another example is when I had one family member come up to me about something that had bothered them for months. My only question to them was "Why didn't you tell me sooner?" I felt bad for making them upset and I didn't want to be causing any stress. I just wished that they had told me sooner so I could've stopped sooner or worked it out with them before causing such a tear on our relationship. Marriage will never be easy, but it'll be worth it.