How to do Good Active Parenting

I absolutely loved this week of class. It really helped me to understand my parent's parenting better, and what I can do to be a good parent for my future children. First I want to go over the three different types of parenting. There is authoritarian, permissive and authoritative. Authoritarian is when the parent acts and feels that their word is law. They expect and demand full control over their kids and everything that they do. They expect their kids to listen and obey them with no questions asked and not explaining the kids as to the reason why they have to do something. And i mean something other than the "Because I said so." Permissive parenting is the complete opposite. They want their children to like them and are afraid of making them angry. So even though the kids may be breaking rules, the parents just let it go for fear of contention or hate from their kids. These are both on the extreme side of the scale and no one likes either one in the long run. So the best parenting, is the one that meets in the middle. Authoritative parenting is the best parenting for you and your kids. Authoritarian is also known as "active" parenting. It's where you and your kids meet on a level. Neither has more control than the other. The parents are still very much involved in the kids lives, but not overbearing. The kids also have the freedom that they need to learn and explore, but not enough to get them in trouble.

We need to remember that every child is different, so some active parenting steps will need to be adapted accordingly to each of them individually. We also need to remember that the purpose of parenting is to prepare and protect a child to survive and thrive in the world we live in. Now the first step is to have both parents make sure that they are a team. I know growing up for me, what each parent would or wouldn't be ok with. So I would go to the one that I knew what let me do what I wanted. Now as I'm sure as you can imagine, this did not really help my parents relationship because then it would cause an argument. So both parents need to establish together and back each other up on rules and consequences that will be made. Parenting is a team effort. Not an individual one. You need the skill sets of both parents in order to make things work out with your kids.

Now when it comes to disciplining your kids, that can be difficult. Children tend to rebel because certain needs of theirs aren't being met. Whether that's physical or social contact, including giving them attention, or any other need that we tend to yearn for. Usually when their needs are met, they tend to have less urges to rebel. So keep in mind that their needs matter more than punishment does. Now parenting with a younger child can tend to be easier but still disciplining them almost like your teen, helps in the long run. Have you and your teen sit down and discuss rules and consequences together. Parents should already have discussed with each other what they will and won't be ok with. But also keep in mind that the child knows better than you do, what will and won't work for them. So don't go into the conversation thinking, no matter what you say, we're going with our rules, go in with an open mind. Ask them what they think and feel about rules. Like a curfew. And then discuss a solution that will satisfy both them and you. When the rule has been made, also discuss a consequence if the rule is not met. Remember to keep the consequence logical to the rule. Usually parents tend to resort to grounding, no matter what the action was. This doesn't help the child really learn and understand the necessity of the rule. So for curfew for example, you might say, "If you're not back by your curfew, you won't get to out the next night." Something like that. Just make sure that you both, parents and child, agree on it and that is corresponds with the rule. This will help empower your kids. It will help teach them to make rules for themselves and why they're important and that they're there to help keep them safe. And since you're child will have been involved and helped make the rule, rather than you just make it for them, they're less likely to break it or rebel because they chose it as well for themselves.

Another thing to remember is to also make sure that you encourage your kids, but just not too much. You do need to help them to improve but don't be overbearing. For me, growing up was really hard. I had several family members constantly point out what I was doing wrong. And change takes time. So if I didn't change "right away", they would say that I wasn't listening, give me the whole lecture again, and they would just be upset with me. Even if I improved a little bit and got better, it would still end with the same result. So I gave up. I just sat there and tuned out the lectures because I didn't see the point in it. They said that they were just helping me to become better, but in reality they weren't. I saw no point in even trying because all they saw and pointed out was just the bad, and didn't even bother acknowledging the good or the progress that I made. You can't expect someone to change in seconds, It just doesn't work that way. So when it comes to helping your kids improve, pull them aside and tell them stuff that they're doing great first and then let them know what you're concerned about. Don't say, "This is what you need to fix" and then walk away. Tell them WHY they need to fix it and how it will impact them. And show them that you say it 'cause you care. If you do, they're more likely to try. And as they try, encourage them. Congratulate them for trying and/or improving. This will help them to want to keep at it and that they will get their eventually. That would've helped me out a lot growing up. Don't focus on their mistakes or weaknesses. Make sure that you praise them. It shows that you love and care about THEM and not just looking good. It also establishes trust and respect between the both of you.

Some videos that I watched and highly recommend you get and watch from activeparenting.com are:
Session 1: The Active Parent
Session 2: Winning Cooperation
Session 3: Responsibility and Discipline
Session 4: Building Courage, Redirecting Misbehavior

Importance of Father Interactions

We talked about fathers and finances but I really want to focus on fathers. I feel like we don't give fathers enough credit or really pay attention to the effect that they have. I feel that the father, a most of the time, considered separate from the family. He goes to work everyday and is gone for most of the day. He comes home tired and is entering into a completely different world than the one he left. Fathers also usually don't know much about what's going on or what has happened in his absence. For many fathers, this makes them disconnected and not much of a part of the family. I found this to be pretty true, from the example of my dad. I found out, not through him but a reliable source, that my dad felt like we hated him. Which is far from the truth. I love my dad and I am very close to him. He has been my rock and support through a lot of really hard times in my life. I can always count on him. But to him, it's a lot harder. I've come to realize that he feels the way he does, because he's not home very much. He's usually gone for most of the week at work. So he doesn't experience anything with when we are at home. He doesn't know anything that has occurred unless it was a major occurrence and he needed to know. This creates a disconnect between him and us. He doesn't know what's going on in our lives unless we go out of our way to tell him. He's not able to really be there for us because he's having to spend most of his time at work. We don't many opportunities where we're able to bond with him and create a connection.

In their article, "Family Work" Katherine Bahr and Cheri Loveless talk about how that's not how things used to be. Before, fathers and their families worked side by side out in the fields. This created time for fathers to be able to talk about things and bond with their kids. Chores around the house and farm were positive and crucial for family bonding. No one complained about their chores. Instead, they were excited for them because they did them together. This helped make the chores fun, but also provided that family bonding time. They were able to talk to one another and be more involved. Nowadays, it's so much easier for us or anyone, especially parents, to just do chores themselves. Or have the kids do it. By doing it themselves, it gets done faster and it's done the way you want it to be done. Rather than having to try to teach someone to do and having to constantly give corrections on how to do it right. This robs both parents and children of that crucial bonding time. I remember growing up and wanting to help my mom cook in the kitchen or help my dad with the yard work or work on the cars, but not being able to. For them, it was easier to just do it and not have to worry about little me getting in the way or messing up (which I ended up doing a lot). But I remember feeling disappointed because I wanted to help and feel like I mattered and could do something. I wanted a reason to spend more time with my parents and to be with them. But I had far less opportunities to do so with my dad than my mom. This was hard on me as I loved my dad but he felt out of my reach a lot of times and that I wasn't able to be as close to him as I wanted. That had a huge impact on me, mt self-esteem, and having that firm foundation part of my life. So if your kids want to help you with cooking or anything, let them! You;ll regret later on and it will help you to bond with them and help them to feel that they can trust you and be more open with you. Don't waste those precious moments and let them go by.