Getting Rid of the Bad Fruit in Our Lives

Hey y'all! So I just really wanted to share something that I learned in my New Testament class this week. I was reading in Matthew 3:10 about cutting down the bad fruit in our lives. Bad fruit can be a variety of things. Whether it be people, suggestive music, activities that we do, etc. Basically, anything that we know negatively impacts our lives. Now in this scripture, we are told that we must burn the bad fruit. That doesn't mean that we actually burn things or people, just that we eliminate it from our lives. That is usually easier said then done. But the Atonement that Christ made for us, makes it possible. Christ took all our sins upon Himself, so He knows exactly what we're going through and what it takes to overcome it. It usually starts with a choice. A choice on whether or not you choose to go to a place where there are people or things that you need to cut out of your life. The first time is always the hardest to make that choice. But the more that we depend on Christ to do what we know is right, the easier it becomes over time. So if there was a person that you wanted to get away from or a habit that you want to kick, Christ can and will help you remove those bad fruits from your life. You just have to turn to Him and be willing to accept His help.

How to do Good Active Parenting

I absolutely loved this week of class. It really helped me to understand my parent's parenting better, and what I can do to be a good parent for my future children. First I want to go over the three different types of parenting. There is authoritarian, permissive and authoritative. Authoritarian is when the parent acts and feels that their word is law. They expect and demand full control over their kids and everything that they do. They expect their kids to listen and obey them with no questions asked and not explaining the kids as to the reason why they have to do something. And i mean something other than the "Because I said so." Permissive parenting is the complete opposite. They want their children to like them and are afraid of making them angry. So even though the kids may be breaking rules, the parents just let it go for fear of contention or hate from their kids. These are both on the extreme side of the scale and no one likes either one in the long run. So the best parenting, is the one that meets in the middle. Authoritative parenting is the best parenting for you and your kids. Authoritarian is also known as "active" parenting. It's where you and your kids meet on a level. Neither has more control than the other. The parents are still very much involved in the kids lives, but not overbearing. The kids also have the freedom that they need to learn and explore, but not enough to get them in trouble.

We need to remember that every child is different, so some active parenting steps will need to be adapted accordingly to each of them individually. We also need to remember that the purpose of parenting is to prepare and protect a child to survive and thrive in the world we live in. Now the first step is to have both parents make sure that they are a team. I know growing up for me, what each parent would or wouldn't be ok with. So I would go to the one that I knew what let me do what I wanted. Now as I'm sure as you can imagine, this did not really help my parents relationship because then it would cause an argument. So both parents need to establish together and back each other up on rules and consequences that will be made. Parenting is a team effort. Not an individual one. You need the skill sets of both parents in order to make things work out with your kids.

Now when it comes to disciplining your kids, that can be difficult. Children tend to rebel because certain needs of theirs aren't being met. Whether that's physical or social contact, including giving them attention, or any other need that we tend to yearn for. Usually when their needs are met, they tend to have less urges to rebel. So keep in mind that their needs matter more than punishment does. Now parenting with a younger child can tend to be easier but still disciplining them almost like your teen, helps in the long run. Have you and your teen sit down and discuss rules and consequences together. Parents should already have discussed with each other what they will and won't be ok with. But also keep in mind that the child knows better than you do, what will and won't work for them. So don't go into the conversation thinking, no matter what you say, we're going with our rules, go in with an open mind. Ask them what they think and feel about rules. Like a curfew. And then discuss a solution that will satisfy both them and you. When the rule has been made, also discuss a consequence if the rule is not met. Remember to keep the consequence logical to the rule. Usually parents tend to resort to grounding, no matter what the action was. This doesn't help the child really learn and understand the necessity of the rule. So for curfew for example, you might say, "If you're not back by your curfew, you won't get to out the next night." Something like that. Just make sure that you both, parents and child, agree on it and that is corresponds with the rule. This will help empower your kids. It will help teach them to make rules for themselves and why they're important and that they're there to help keep them safe. And since you're child will have been involved and helped make the rule, rather than you just make it for them, they're less likely to break it or rebel because they chose it as well for themselves.

Another thing to remember is to also make sure that you encourage your kids, but just not too much. You do need to help them to improve but don't be overbearing. For me, growing up was really hard. I had several family members constantly point out what I was doing wrong. And change takes time. So if I didn't change "right away", they would say that I wasn't listening, give me the whole lecture again, and they would just be upset with me. Even if I improved a little bit and got better, it would still end with the same result. So I gave up. I just sat there and tuned out the lectures because I didn't see the point in it. They said that they were just helping me to become better, but in reality they weren't. I saw no point in even trying because all they saw and pointed out was just the bad, and didn't even bother acknowledging the good or the progress that I made. You can't expect someone to change in seconds, It just doesn't work that way. So when it comes to helping your kids improve, pull them aside and tell them stuff that they're doing great first and then let them know what you're concerned about. Don't say, "This is what you need to fix" and then walk away. Tell them WHY they need to fix it and how it will impact them. And show them that you say it 'cause you care. If you do, they're more likely to try. And as they try, encourage them. Congratulate them for trying and/or improving. This will help them to want to keep at it and that they will get their eventually. That would've helped me out a lot growing up. Don't focus on their mistakes or weaknesses. Make sure that you praise them. It shows that you love and care about THEM and not just looking good. It also establishes trust and respect between the both of you.

Some videos that I watched and highly recommend you get and watch from activeparenting.com are:
Session 1: The Active Parent
Session 2: Winning Cooperation
Session 3: Responsibility and Discipline
Session 4: Building Courage, Redirecting Misbehavior

Importance of Father Interactions

We talked about fathers and finances but I really want to focus on fathers. I feel like we don't give fathers enough credit or really pay attention to the effect that they have. I feel that the father, a most of the time, considered separate from the family. He goes to work everyday and is gone for most of the day. He comes home tired and is entering into a completely different world than the one he left. Fathers also usually don't know much about what's going on or what has happened in his absence. For many fathers, this makes them disconnected and not much of a part of the family. I found this to be pretty true, from the example of my dad. I found out, not through him but a reliable source, that my dad felt like we hated him. Which is far from the truth. I love my dad and I am very close to him. He has been my rock and support through a lot of really hard times in my life. I can always count on him. But to him, it's a lot harder. I've come to realize that he feels the way he does, because he's not home very much. He's usually gone for most of the week at work. So he doesn't experience anything with when we are at home. He doesn't know anything that has occurred unless it was a major occurrence and he needed to know. This creates a disconnect between him and us. He doesn't know what's going on in our lives unless we go out of our way to tell him. He's not able to really be there for us because he's having to spend most of his time at work. We don't many opportunities where we're able to bond with him and create a connection.

In their article, "Family Work" Katherine Bahr and Cheri Loveless talk about how that's not how things used to be. Before, fathers and their families worked side by side out in the fields. This created time for fathers to be able to talk about things and bond with their kids. Chores around the house and farm were positive and crucial for family bonding. No one complained about their chores. Instead, they were excited for them because they did them together. This helped make the chores fun, but also provided that family bonding time. They were able to talk to one another and be more involved. Nowadays, it's so much easier for us or anyone, especially parents, to just do chores themselves. Or have the kids do it. By doing it themselves, it gets done faster and it's done the way you want it to be done. Rather than having to try to teach someone to do and having to constantly give corrections on how to do it right. This robs both parents and children of that crucial bonding time. I remember growing up and wanting to help my mom cook in the kitchen or help my dad with the yard work or work on the cars, but not being able to. For them, it was easier to just do it and not have to worry about little me getting in the way or messing up (which I ended up doing a lot). But I remember feeling disappointed because I wanted to help and feel like I mattered and could do something. I wanted a reason to spend more time with my parents and to be with them. But I had far less opportunities to do so with my dad than my mom. This was hard on me as I loved my dad but he felt out of my reach a lot of times and that I wasn't able to be as close to him as I wanted. That had a huge impact on me, mt self-esteem, and having that firm foundation part of my life. So if your kids want to help you with cooking or anything, let them! You;ll regret later on and it will help you to bond with them and help them to feel that they can trust you and be more open with you. Don't waste those precious moments and let them go by.

Good and Effective Communication is Key

Communicating effectively with your spouse, or with anyone, can be really difficult. Many and most times, communication results in contention and arguments. When someone brings up something that we do that they don't like, naturally we get very upset and defensive. We feel like we are being attacked and that we need to attack back. It's basically the formula of pain+blame=defensive. It's not very effective and it usually results in rifts being made and walls going up. How you communicate determines how your relationship will eventually be and whether or not there will be a lot of miscommunication in the future. When you are interacting with someone, you are creating that social culture with them. So how you establish that culture and that way of communication is critical.

There are quite a few steps and tactics that you can do to help make and build good communication skills. One of the vital ways to communicate is through your tone. Words are just words, but the meaning and definition of the words you use completely change depending on the tone that you use. You also need to be aware of the nonverbal cues that you give off and that the other person is giving. These are also key to see the intention of the message being given. Also, remember that not everything that pops into your head needs to be shared. It's best to ask for clarification rather than just assume that you know what they are saying. This will help eliminate any miscommunication. It's also best to discuss what needs to be talked about and not talk about or bring up anything that is unnecessary. Be open and open-minded and have trust. Also talk about anything that could potentially turn into a problem before it does. Doing this early on will make life between you and anyone else a lot better.

How to Handle a Crisis In a Family

Have you ever wondered how to handle or deal with a crisis that happened in your family or might potentially happen? I have. There is one woman, Cloe Madanes, who wrote "Sex, Love, and Violence." In her book, she creates a model to help solve the problems that are brought to therapy. I want to talk about just some of her steps from her book that can help you cope or know what to do. Though I know that this book was mainly to help the crisis of sexual abuse, I feel that the steps that I share today, can be used for almost any situation.

The first step is: Find out what happened. It's very important that everyone shares their perspective and take on the situation that occurred. One important thing to remember and do during this step, is to just listen. Many times when someone is sharing their perspective, we get angry because that's not how we viewed it. So many times we get upset and say that they are wrong or lying when in reality, their not. They're just sharing what they saw, how they saw it, and how it impacted them. So remember to just listen with open ears and mind. Having everyone share their perspective on what happened, helps give everyone an even greater part of the full picture instead of just the small piece that you originally had.

Talk about the spiritual pain that each individual went through. Going through any kind of crisis usually causes great spiritual, or soul, pain for any individual. Doing this helps everyone see just how each other was impacted and how to be able to help each other through it. 

The "perpetrator" gets on their knees and apologizes. When they are on their knees, it helps them to humble themselves and really see that they have done a wrong and admit to the hurt that they have caused. BUT, they do not get up from off of their knees until everyone in the room feels that their apology is sincere and genuine. The perpetrator is also in no position to ask for or demand forgiveness. 

The other people in the room need to apologize as well. By doing this, you are breaking down walls that were once there and adding to the conflict and hurt. By apologizing, those walls come down and you're able to actually start the process of healing both within yourself and with those around you. 

Remember that evil is always stupid. Don't try to make sense of nonsense. When you have done something evil, no good EVER comes out of it!! So don't try to justify or make sense of the wrong that you have done.

The wedding, honeymoon, and starting a marriage

I've learned such great insights this week on the best way to start a marriage. One big thing is the wedding. It is really important that you plan the wedding together as a couple. Most woman when planning their weddings, plan it with their mom. Though this isn't a terrible idea, it's just not the best. Mothers of course want to be involved and help, but it's more important that the couple plans the wedding together. Most men will say, "Do whatever you want." But men you play an important role in planning it as well. By planning the wedding together, you strengthen your bond with one another. Rather than the woman just strengthening her bond with just her mom. While planning the wedding together, you also learn to make compromises and decisions together and those lessons will help you in your marriage. It's best to help you learn those strategies early on.

The honeymoon is also important. The honeymoon isn't a time to just have fun and have the whole leaving and coming home scene. Honeymoons are a critical time for a couple to bond with one another. To continue to strengthen their relationship and come to have a better understanding of each other. When they come back from their honeymoon, they should be as one. A bonded couple and you are distinguished together as a couple.

Now starting off a marriage can be difficult. Shortly after the wedding, many couple start to have arguments and disagreements. Usually these couples end up coming to feel like they made a mistake in marrying their spouse. That they actually aren't compatible. But in reality you are or can be. All marriages are work. No one can have those Disney "And they lived happily ever after" without work. You are two very different people who have now come together as one. But unlike your family, you didn't grow up with your spouse. So just like you did with your family members, you need to learn to adapt and change. Neither of you are the one has the problem that is causing strain on the marriage. You just need to learn to work it out. In order to have a healthy marriage, you need to talk things out with each other. Keeping in consideration how the other person feels, tell your spouse what is bothering you. Don't fight, argue, or raise your voices. Especially when you feel threatened or they said something that might upset you. keep your voices low and have an open mind. Telling your concerns will help strengthen your marriage rather than tear apart. Not telling is a lot more damaging. More often than not, your spouse doesn't even realize that they're doing something that's bothering you. When I lived with my family in my teen years and when I was on my mission, I would find out after months that I was doing something that was bugging them. With one of my mission companions, we both held the negative feelings we were holding inside until we both blew from the pressure. We talked it out and it turned out fine in the end, but that could've been avoided had we talked about them sooner. Another example is when I had one family member come up to me about something that had bothered them for months. My only question to them was "Why didn't you tell me sooner?" I felt bad for making them upset and I didn't want to be causing any stress. I just wished that they had told me sooner so I could've stopped sooner or worked it out with them before causing such a tear on our relationship. Marriage will never be easy, but it'll be worth it.

What is the difference between hanging out and dating?

Lately in this generation and day there hasn't been very much dating as much as there has been "hanging out". Many people fear the concept of dating, or at least the term. It's not what it once used to mean. Many people feel like hanging out is the best way to go about courting someone. They feel like they, or the people they are interested in, will feel more comfortable in those kinds of environments. Though there are many people who do not feel that that is the case for them. For those people they feel like they still have to put o a mask. Like they still are having to compete or look good to those in the group that they're in. They don't feel like they can be open and it's difficult to get to know the other person when you're in a group. Hanging out is a time when you can have fun and build on your bond with your friends. Just not if you are wanting to court someone. When you just hang out, it can be hard for the other person to know whether or not it is or date or if you're even interested.
When you are dating someone, or taking them on dates, there is no confusion or question on either side on whether or not it is a date. In fact there are three P's that help outline what is considered dating: paid for, planned, and paired off. Now paid for doesn't necessarily mean with money. It can be also meaning with time or resources. Dates can still be fun but not cost anything. Planned means that it was planned in advance. Hanging out is usually spontaneous. Paired off is what it means. Where you and your date are for the most part alone and not being with a crowd of friends. Now I don't alone as in being at an apartment or something alone. Just somewhere where the two of you are able to talk and speak freely with one another and actually have that time to get to know one another. Dating is much more effective and personal than with hanging out. It's the best way to get to know someone and if you two would be compatible for marriage, if you two decided to take that step. Dating is not something to be taken lightly because the end result of dating, marriage, changes you and your life for the rest of your life. So take it seriously. It's worth doing.